I have realized something very important today.

See, one of my classmates (someone I'll admit I don't know very well, someone I had a class with, like, 2 years ago, but someone who stood out) won a prestigious writing award. On hearing the news, I went through a couple of stages. First, "oh hey! I know her!", second "Wow! Good for her!", third "she must write a lot more than I do", fourth "why the fuck is SHE so special?", and fifth "I'm a failure."

I googled her and found some of her work online. And I read it. And you know what? It's good, but it's not mind-blowing good. I was expecting transcendence, but what I got was... well, it was GOOD, and it was INTERESTING, but it wasn't anything I couldn't do. Know what I mean?

So here's what I realized. If I want to be a writer, I have to stop worrying that my work isn't good enough. I have to stop worrying that I have to change the world in 1000 words. Because that is probably never going to happen. I have to stop worrying that everyone else is a "better writer" than me, because logic dictates that "talent" is a matter of opinion, and most of the time I think I stack up alright next to my classmates. Not to brag, but I'm an A student, dont'cha know... (actually, I think everyone in the writing program gets high marks. I can't imagine anyone having lower than a B+ average, so being an A student isn't that big of a deal...)

Professors over the years have freaked me out with their little sayings:

• "[writing] is organic, and should flow easily onto the page" (maybe in fiction. But what about non-fiction, where you have to tell the truth all the time?)
  
• "if you haven't published by third year, you might as well give up" (then what about all the teachers out there?)
  
• "the best writing will come to you as if in a dream" (well, that's hardly ever happened to me - does it mean I'm not a good writer?)
  
• "if you're a good writer, the world will recognize it." (What about Emily Dickinson?)
• "the story is in the details" - this one I agree with, actually.
  

The profs are trying to be helpful, of course, but... I don't know. Sometimes, usually when I have a few weeks off between classes, I feel like I'm in way over my head. How the hell am I ever going to match up to these people, you know? This one writes a column for the newspaper; this one interns at a famous magazine; this one has a book deal; this one wins every award they apply for. I, on the other hand, don't have a piece I even find WORTHY of submitting for an award. Not right now.

Because I have this thing stuck in my head that writing should always be transcendent. That's my word of the day, btw. I think "if it didn't make me cry to write it, it's not good enough." Then when I have an assignment for class, I won't write about things that make me cry, because I don't want to overshare with the class. So I screw myself both ways - I'm not brave enough to be a powerful writer, and I'm not powerful enough to write good work.

It doesn't help that I've been reading Joan Didion all summer. If we want to talk about beauty and transcendence in writing, there it is. Will I ever be able to write like that? I don't know. I don't think I've lived the right kind of life to do that. I think my eyes might be slowly closing to the poetry of the world.... slowly narrowing in.... since most of my writing is about myself.

But reading my (very accomplished) classmate's work today, I realized that ALL THIS IS BULLSHIT. She's an excellent writer, and she has a definite style, but her work isn't anything I couldn't do too. I HAVE been trained well (even if this blog doesn't reflect it), and I DO have the tools to be a decent, if not beautifully poetic, writer. Maybe one day I'll find the story that elevates my writing to a new level. In the meantime, I'm perfectly capable, and have to start thinking of myself as such.