More To Love, Episode 2 - Picking Scabs

Last night, H. was on the computer reading various fringe-Christian rants about Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails. He does it a lot, and it kinda bugs me. Sometimes he'll put on these horrid glassy-eyed Christian TV shows where people ask for money in the name of "Jesus", and sit there with this shocked look on his face, like it's the first time he's ever heard the pitch. Or he goes to websites like the one for that "God Hates Fags" church and reads the worst parts out loud (not only does God hate "fags", apparently... he also hates Swedes, Canadians, and basically everyone else in the world). Or he watches those 9-11 Truth shows the conspiracy theorists buy airtime for on Shaw TV - apparently the oil companies were behind it? Or... it goes on and on. Anything hateful or ignorant, H. will watch or read it. And every time, he's shocked and amazed, then he's angry. I've told him time and again, just IGNORE it. Seeing it will just make you upset. But time and again he watches the shows, visits the websites... seeks out these things that upset him.

"You like to pick scabs, don't you?" I asked last night.
"Yeah, I guess I do," he answered, "but so do you."

Because, like the subject line says, last night I watched the 2nd episode of More To Love. I know I said I wouldn't, since last week's episode made me cry (and then do many km's on the exercise bike) and vow never to watch the show again. But what can I say? Like H, I'm a bit of a scab-picker.

Last night's episode was a train wreck of the highest proportion, from putting the (highly self-conscious) girls in bathing suits, to the chick vomiting off the side of the boat, to Kristian's intense eyes. Not to mention all the crying. Is this going to be a running theme? Because if so, I'm not going to... who am I kidding, I'll watch it anyways.

So here's what happened. The girls divided into two "teams" for a couple of group dates. Two girls were chosen to be team captains, and to pick the teams amongst themselves. Only one problem: there were an odd number of girls. Cut to various teary confessions of the "I was always picked last because I was fat" genre.

The girl who WAS picked last... she just kinda stood there, like... I don't know. It was really awkward. She was all alone on one side of the room, saying to the other girls, "why don't you like me? I thought you all liked me." And no-one responded. But in the end it worked out for her (I guess), because she scored a one-on-one date with Kevin Ja... I mean Luke. They went to Vegas, and stuff happened. The other girls seethed with jealousy. More on that in a bit.

First, though, was a group date, and guys? This is where I fell in love with Bonnie. I even pulled H. away from the Christian websites for a second to marvel at the coolness of this chick. She's got awesome hair, awesome makeup, awesome clothes, glowing white skin... goddam, I wish I looked like her. Add to that she's wry, funny, and a little bit bitchy, and I think I've found my new best friend. Only one problem. She's on More To Love. Bonnie, what the hell? You're so much better than this shit! And I think the producers know it too, because even though she shows NO interest in Luke, and even though her "confessionals" are mostly about herself and the other girls, they keep cutting to her. Not to mention, she's one of the only girls yet to cry.

But back to the fun. So, the first group date is on a boat. The night starts off fine, with everyone chatting and sipping martinis while the chefs prepare some kind of feast. Then Heather, the cute lip-glossed blonde with hair full of flowers and bows, started puking over the side of the boat. Poor Heather, she puked and puked, then she cried and cried, then she fell asleep. Amazingly, none of her hair bows fell overboard. But she did miss out on all the fun, especially Kristan's crazy eyes.

Okay, let's take a minute here to talk about Kristian. She's like what? 12? Has she never been around men before? What's up with her? She's like that girl in high school who stalked your guy friend, sent him flowers on Valentine's Day and waved to him in the hallways... the one who'd combine her name with theirs on her notebook, and then eventually he went out with her and you were like "what the HELL?" and you knew he was only with her because she put out right away, and you knew she only put out right away because she was desperate for a man, and in the end she got pregnant and dropped out of school, but only after your friend dumped her because everyone made fun of him for being with her in the first place? Yeah. That would've been Kristian in high school, if she'd been mature enough. Desperation and self-deception are oozing from her pores. She actually said, last night, that she thinks she's in love with Luke. HOW? You've known him for, like, a week, and you've spent a grand total of 10 minutes alone with him! In fact, you've NEVER been alone with him because the cameras are always on! In the immortal words of Lloyd Dobler, "YOU MUST CHILL!"

The rest of the boat date was pretty tame. The only part worth mentioning, I guess, was the makeout session between Luke and Malissa, and later her confessional that "these other girls don't stand a chance." I like your confidence, Malissa, and I hope for your sake you're right. She really does seem to be the most compatible with Luke... but then again, we haven't learned all that much ABOUT Luke yet, have we?

I'll give him props for one thing, though: when Heather started puking over the side of the boat, he contemplated helping her, then decided against it. "The last thing she wants to see right now is me," he said. That, Luke, was a very thoughtful and astute observation. The last thing a girl wants when she's puking over the side of a boat is an attractive (to her) man, and a camera crew, watching her every move. 1 point for Luke.

Cut to date #2, the one-on-one Vegas night. I'll admit I wasn't watching this part too closely, because the winner (or loser) of the one-on-one date, Christina, annoyed me as much as she annoyed the girls in the house, and I'd assume it's for the same reasons. Christina is an airhead. She doesn't seem to know how to do anything except style her hair! And the dress she wore on the Vegas date? I'm pretty sure it was a skirt that she just pulled up around her chest to turn it into a minidress. Admit it, you've done that before. But have you done it on TV? Not that Luke seemed to notice - he was too entranced by her "bangin'" (his actual words: "her body is bangin'!") body to focus on fashion, or conversation, or Vegas. Luke, I'm revoking your 1 point, for use of the word bangin'.

Back at the house, Kristian was in a bug-eyed rage, saying Malissa shouldn't even be on the show because she's not, you know, "original" fat. I paraphrase:

"she didn't get fat until after high school, she doesn't know what it's like to not have a date to prom because of your size, she doesn't know what it's like to be discriminated against."

Kristian, hun? Pop your eyes back in, and sit next to me on the couch.

No matter how old you are, fat women are ALWAYS discriminated against. It doesn't matter when, or how, or WHY someone gained the weight. People always look at fat women, regardless of their age, in the same way. They don't think "oh, I bet she used to be thin in high school." They think "damn she's fat." I was thin in high school too. Doesn't mean I had tonnes of boyfriends, or got picked first for teams. I was lonely and angry and misunderstood. Everyone is. Maybe you're too young to realize that, but... you need to. Because your anger isn't doing anyone any good, least of all yourself.

Vegas date was a bit of a snooze, so instead I let H. read me some Christian rumors about the Satanic Marilyn Manson. Did you know he had some ribs removed so he could perform fellatio on himself?

The third date was the funnest of the bunch: a pool party at Luke's house. The girls freaked out about wearing bathing suits (cue the teary-eyed "I never go to the beach because I'm fat" confessionals), but only one of them had visible cellulite, which I thought was kind of amazing. They had some seriously cute swimwear, I have to say. Where do these people shop? Because I've been looking for one of those 50's-style "bathing beauty" suits for a while now...

Luke, knowing the girls would be self-conscious in their bathing suits, set about making drinks straight away. The girls got a bit tipsy, a bit comfortable. The one who got the MOST comfortable, though, was Lauren. I think it was Lauren. I can't really remember. Anyways, one of them was having so much fun she drank her martini in the pool, then said Luke was "the best floatie" she'd ever had. He did the one-on-one talking thing with each girl, mostly just trying to make out as much as he could. Nothing too interesting there.

The best part: once again, Kristian. And Bonnie. I don't know why they were there, since they'd already had their date, but they were fully clothed, so... I don't know. I was still thinking of missing ribs and puppies thrown into mosh pits. Anyways, Kristian said "I wanna see what his house looks like!" and the other girls were like "oooh!" and Bonnie, I love Bonnie, she said (with the wry wit):
"You should totally leave him a creepy 'I Was In Your House' note."
and the girls were like "no..."
and Bonnie was like "Kristian, you should totally do it." Because Kristian is young and naive and doesn't know the rules of the game, or how to distinguish sarcasm from normal conversation.
So Kristian snuck into the house, and (we can assume) looked around, and left Luke a creepy "I Was In Your House" note. Yes, she really did. Best of all, though? She wasn't the only one.

Then we come to what they called the "Mixer" and the "Elimination." "Mixer" apparently means champagne, formal wear, and skewers of meat. They eat so much meat on this show! "Elimination" is exactly what it sounds like. As the "Mixer" wore on, Luke took each girl away to, ummm, plead their case as to why they should stay in the house. Most of them were the usual "I think we have a shot at love" kind of conversations, but a few really stood out:

• Lauren: do you want the dirt on anyone? Because I can totally give you the scoop. Luke: no, not really, I'm trying to find out if you like me or not. Lauren: okay, well, if you want the dirt, just let me know.
  
• Bonnie: I know I look a bit intimidating, with the tattoos and all, but on the inside I'm a 50's housewife. Luke (VO): Bonnie makes me change my thinking about things every time I talk to her. (Translation: I don't know what to think of her, and because of that, I have to keep her around.)
  
• Kristian: I LOVE YOU!!!! (Eyes pop out of her head) Luke: Ummm, here, I think you dropped something.
  

Emme, plus-size supermodel and TV hostess extraordinaire, was in great form this episode. Some of her key scenes:

• Emme enters the room and stands near a large glass bowl. "Ladies, it's time to return your rings." Emme exits the room.
  
• Emme enters the room and stands near a velvet curtain. "Ladies, there is only one ring remaining." Emme exits the room.
  

In the end, three girls were sent home, but I can only remember one of them: Arriane, the "cabaret performer". She didn't need this show anyways. Kristian got the last ring, and looked so relieved she nearly passed out. I don't know what to think of her... she seems to crazy to be real, you know?

Will I watch this show again next week? I might, but I'm not too sure. Bonnie is awesome, but she's gotta go home soon, because this is definitely not the show for her. There's no way she can "win", and I'm sure she knew that going into it. It feels like she's using the show as a platform for something, which, you know, good for her. That's what I would do too. But she can't last, what with not being into Luke and all. So we'll see. It was a decent way to waste an hour, but still not as good as a repeat of True Blood.

I really should start reviewing that show instead.