The Girlfriend's Guide To Heavy Metal

Okay, so, I was at a show last night... a DEATH METAL show... yes, it's true. One of H's friends is in a death metal band called Discerp, and even though I don't like death metal that much, I have to say they kicked ass. The way I judge things like this is if I see pictures when I hear the music, like if I can picture snippets of a music video, and I could definitely do that with Discerp. Gentlemen, if ever you're looking for a music video director, you know where to find me. Here's a sample of my work:



But here's the point, so I can finish this ramble and get to the good stuff. Sitting with us were A and J (is it J or G?). H works with A, and she and I have become Facebook friends :) Anyways, last night was her first death metal show, and her Facebook status was:

DEATH METAL!!11! I am scared.

I can relate, A. I can relate.

Before the show started, we were talking, and I mentioned to A that I'd written an article called The Girlfriend's Guide To Heavy Metal. She was really interested to read it, and I said I'd post it here (I said that a month ago, didn't I? tsk tsk). I talked myself out of posting it because, you know, it's not "transcendent". I also don't think it's completely finished - there are a lot more things I can do, like interview female metal heads, musicians, etc - but for now I'm going to post it, and call it "Draft 3", because I think people want to read it. Kay? Kay.

The rest of my day is going to be spent finishing H's music video. If it's done today, I'll post it here later.

Here's the article. Please remember it's a draft! And.... enjoy.




The guy in front of me is sweating like a pig, and a minute ago he smacked me in the face with his wet, stringy hair. Some of it got in my mouth, and even though it didn’t taste like anything, I want to brush my teeth. Or gargle. Or something. I can still feel the texture of that sweat-soaked mane on my lips, like the trail a slug leaves in the dirt, and it makes me want to retch.

The guy’s being a real ass, trying to climb on the backs of the guys in front of him, reaching out his arms to the stage. In his desperation, he elbows the dude next to him in the face. I’ve tried to back away, but I’m scared to move too much – the guy behind me is seven feet tall, and he’s bald, and he has a neck tattoo.

I want to go home. My feet hurt, my makeup’s running, and the smell in the middle of the mosh pit is unbearable. If I fell down right now, I’m sure I’d be trampled by a stampede of combat boots. I can’t understand a word the band is saying – possibly something about torture? Kittens? Norse mythology? It’s hard to tell when they growl so much. This is, undoubtedly, one of the worst moments of my life. I’m a girl! What the hell am I doing here?

I scan the crowd, looking for my husband, Henrik, and find him at the foot of the stage. He’s entranced by the music, roaring along with the lyrics, banging his head to the music with everyone else. It’s as though the rest of the world has disappeared. And even though he’s scowling, and kinda looks like a demon, his eyes are sparkling.

That’s why I’m here.

I just wish I could enjoy it.

Here’s my story in a nutshell: I married a Swede. You know how they say Scandinavians make the best husbands? I’d have to agree with that, but I’d also add this: Scandinavians rock out harder than anyone else. I mean, they come from the land of Vikings, you know? Death metal is played on Top 40 radio in Scandinavia. I love my husband very much – he’s kind and sweet and affectionate, and sometimes he does the dishes. But he also loves to growl, and head bang, and paint his face to look like Skeletor. He listens to music by people who burn down churches. He scours youtube for the bloodiest, most violent music videos he can find.

I’ll admit that in the beginning, I didn’t like heavy metal. I associated it with high school, big trucks, frizzy hair, bad horror movies, and misogyny. I didn’t know my loving husband was a hard-core metal fan, and by the time I figured it out, I was already smitten. So, dear readers, I’m learning to love the metal. It’s an ongoing process, but I have learned a few things along the way. Girls, if you suspect your man is into metal and you don’t know what to do, read on.


Why Metal?

I judge good music according to three factors. 1) Does it have good lyrics? 2) Can you dance to it? and 3) Does it create an emotional response?

Here’s how I judge the typical metal song:

1. I can’t understand the lyrics, dude is growling so much. I have no idea what he’s saying.
2. Sometimes, for a few seconds. But the tempo shifts so much in the average metal song, it’s almost impossible to move through a whole song.
3. Yes. Definitely. It makes me want to hide in the corner, cover my ears, and cry.

So I’m not the best person to explain the value of heavy metal. Instead, I asked my husband why he finds metal so appealing.

“It’s the lyrics, the imagery, the place that metal takes me to, the way they write songs, the way they use the instruments....”

What place does it take you to?

“It changes, but it’s that mythical... it’s like when you read a book, you go into that world, and you try to be in that world. It’s the atmosphere of it all.”

In other words, metal is fantasy. It’s escape.

Bruce Dickinson is the lead singer of the grandfather of all metal bands, Iron Maiden. In an interview for the documentary Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, he says metal is a summation of all the things he enjoyed when he was a 15 year old kid:

“If you ever lose that 15 year old kid inside you, it won’t make sense at all.”

Everything in metal is heightened; the volume, the emotion, the imagery. Everything is taken to the extreme, because that’s what the 15 year old kid inside wants to hear. Metal is about fantasy, and about anger, but above all it’s about holding onto that exuberance and raw emotional power teenagers feel. I'm not saying metal is immature, mind you. I'm saying it's bigger.


The Test

First things first: you need to find out if your man is, in fact, a metal head. Sometimes the signs will be right in front of you. Does your man:

• Wear combat boots to the bar?
• Break into air guitar when he likes a song?
• Have a poster of Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, or Iron Maiden on his wall?
• Have a closet full of band t-shirts, most of them black, featuring pentagrams, skeletons, demons and/or blood spatter?

Then he’s probably a metal head. If you’re still not sure, here is a sure-fire way to find out. The next time you’re both in the same room, I want you to clear your voice, then say the following:

“You know, Metallica is great and all that, but I think their new stuff is WAY better than their old stuff.”

If he gets angry and leaves the room, or if he breaks something, he’s a metal head.

See, “old” Metallica are the kings of American thrash metal. Even today, they’re considered some of the most technically skilled musicians in the world. But in the mid-to-late 90’s, they decided they didn’t want to be Thrash anymore. They released an album called Load (if I wasn’t so classy, I’d say there’s a joke to be made here) which was basically a “rock” album. They cut their famously long hair, wore makeup in their videos, and sang about… their “feelings”.

Then they launched an attack on Napster and other file-sharing programs. In other words, they sold out thousands fans because they (the richest metal band in the world) were upset about royalties. Singing about your (non-murderous) feelings? Not metal. Caring about money? REALLY not metal. This is why old Metallica (anything earlier than 1992) is good, while new Metallica (anything after 1994) is bad.


The Education

So now you have definite proof your man is a metal head. Roll up your sleeves, ladies, because it’s time to get dirty. Here is a list of resources to help educate you in the ways of metal:

1. Video Games
The Guitar Hero and Rock Band games feature many heavy metal bands, from Kiss to Slipknot. The games give you a chance to not only familiarize yourself with some of the biggest metal songs, but also to play them yourself. After you’ve tried a couple guitar solos, you’re sure to appreciate the technical skill that goes into a metal song. And, you know, video games are fun.

2. Movies
If you seriously want to learn about metal, including history, styles, and controversies, I highly recommend the film Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey. This documentary follows Sam Dunn, a Canadian anthropologist and self-proclaimed metal head, as he tours around Europe and North America visiting festivals and interviewing his favorite bands. The film is a good, comprehensive overview of the metal scene. But more than that, it makes metal exciting for everyone, not just hard-core fans.

If you’re not the “documentary type”, then try one of the following: This Is Spinal Tap, Fubar, Anvil! or Wayne’s World.

3. Magazines
Every music genre has its own magazines, but metal probably has more than any other. There are magazines for different genres, different instruments, different languages. Some of the best metal magazines for the uninitiated include Revolver, Metal Hammer, and Kerrang. I personally like Metal Hammer because it’s well-written, and it’s not afraid to make fun of itself.


The Music

In Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, Sam Dunn breaks down the different types of metal into a family tree of sorts. Here’s a condensed version to help guide you through the many different genres of metal:

Early Metal / Original Hard Rock / Shock Rock
How you’ll recognize it: you probably already do, because this is what they call “classic rock” nowadays.
Bands: Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith, KISS

New Wave of British Heavy Metal
How you’ll recognize it: you’ve probably played it in Guitar Hero.
Bands: Motörhead, Iron Maiden, Dio

Progressive Metal
How you’ll recognize it: intense psychedelic dreamscapes, impossible solos, and songs about robots.
Bands: Rush, Queensrÿche, Dream Theater

Glam/Hair Metal
How you’ll recognize it: you heard it that time you went to the strip club.
Bands: Mötley Crüe, Twisted Sister, Poison, Warrant

Pop Metal
How you’ll recognize it: your older sister used to listen to it in the 80’s.
Bands: Van Halen, Def Leppard, Guns N’ Roses

Thrash Metal
How you’ll recognize it: it’s what the majority of non metal fans refer to as “heavy metal.”
Bands: Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, Pantera,

Black Metal
How you’ll recognize it: corpse paint, screaming, and swords.
Bands: Bathory, Satyricon, Dimmu Borgir

Death Metal
How you’ll recognize it: growling so intense you won’t understand the lyrics.
Bands: Cannibal Corpse, Entombed, Dismember

Goth Metal
How you’ll recognize it: the lead singer wants to suck your blood.
Bands: Type O Negative, My Dying Bride, Him

Industrial Metal
How you’ll recognize it: you listened to it in high school.
Bands: Ministry, White Zombie, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson

New Wave of American Metal
How you’ll recognize it: this is what your teenage brother listens to.
Bands: Lamb of God, Killswitch Engage, Slipknot

Okay. You’re educated, you’ve listened to the music, and you’re still here. What’s the next step? It’s time to start preparing for a live show.

The Costume

The metal costume is centered around one very important piece of clothing: the t-shirt. T-shirts will usually be black, feature a band logo, and have a picture involving a pentagram, blood spatter, or a skeleton (if it has all three, it’s probably a Slayer shirt). The general rule of thumb when choosing a shirt is that the more obscure the band, the cooler the shirt. If you had to mail order the shirt from the frozen tundra of Norway, and it has strange lettering (umlauts are a definite plus), and it ALSO has a really violent picture on it (see above), you’ll be the coolest person in the room. If the band broke up before getting famous, or if the t-shirt is for an obscure high school band of a famous person, you earn extra metal points.

The next most important item of clothing for a metal show: footwear. If you plan on being anywhere near the stage, do not, repeat DO NOT wear any of the following kinds of shoes:

• pumps
• stilettos
• wedges
• sandals
• anything open-toed
• anything too expensive to replace

THEY WILL BE DESTROYED. Proper footwear for a girl at a metal show: big black boots (combat boots keep your feet safe AND make you look tough) or simple sneakers.

The most important thing to remember when you’re dressing for a metal show is that inevitably, you are going to get dirty. The floors are sticky with beer, the guys are flinging sweat everywhere, and in the rare case a fight breaks out, there might even be some blood. The best bet is to dress like a guy: jeans, tshirt, boots. Wear clothes that can be easily thrown in the washing machine.

If you’re committed to looking feminine, though, you do have a few options. You can go rockabilly, with a frilly halter dress and big red lips. This will make you stand out in the crowd, but not in a bad way. The problem is that something will most likely get spilled on your dress, and you can’t really mosh in a halter and Mary Janes. Not without a lot of practice, and possibly double-sided tape.

You can also go Goth, which a lot of girls at metal shows do: black lipstick, dog collar, PVC. But be warned that you will get VERY hot, your makeup will smudge, and at the end of the night you’ll probably have a rip in your expensive satin corset. Best to stick with cotton, leather, and the occasional metal spike.

The Live Show

So the guy jumps up on stage and rips the microphone out of the singer’s hand.

“Who stole my hat???” he screams, and the crowd collectively yells at him to get off the stage.

“I want my *&^$# hat!” He screams again, then jumps head-first off the stage and punches a random guy in the face. The band stops playing, waiting for the commotion to die down.

I finally maneuver my way out of the mosh pit, find an empty seat, and put my feet up. I wish I’d brought ear plugs. My brain hurts from all the noise.

People go to a metal show to have fun, drink some beer, and let off some steam. Sometimes this means people get a bit out of control, like the guy who jumped up on stage. But for the most part, just like any other social gathering, people go to metal shows to hear the music and have a good time.

For someone like me, who prefers Morrissey to Metallica, the key to a good metal show is to always be prepared. Make sure you have earplugs. And cash, to buy drinks. Get to the show early so you can find a place to sit, and did I mention earplugs?

At the end of the band’s set, I push my way through the crowd to stand with my husband. His face is red, his hair soaked with sweat, but he’s happy like a little kid. And that makes me happy.
I’m still not the biggest metal fan, but I’ve found a way to appreciate it. Now, when Henrik wants to crank the death metal and escape for a little while, I’m not worrying about his sanity. Heavy metal is an outlet. It helps people release aggression. We all need some form of outlet, don’t we? I write, Henrik listens to Dimmu Borgir, and we get along just fine.