Good morning

Monday morning, 8:23 am when I start writing. I'm awake, but only barely, and since getting out of bed have been putting on more and more clothes in an attempt to stay warm. Because what I really want to do is go back to sleep.
There's no food in the house, no bread, no breakfast-appropriate meal items, unless I were the type to eat "just eggs", which I'm not. In high school, eggs were a major pet peeve. I called them "chicken abortions", knowing full well that's not really what eggs are. I just liked saying "abortion" for the shock value. 10 years later, I've grown up a lot, and gotten over (most of) my egg disgust, but I'm still not the type to wake up in the morning and be like "mmmmmm.... time for eggs", you know?
So. Liquid breakfast. Coffee with the last dregs of the milk. 4 1/2 hours till class. 12 1/2 hours till I'm home again. But it's not that bad.
Saturday night was my birthday party, and in the hours leading up to the event, I got really nervous. Both Henrik and I were worried that, because of my fragility over the past few weeks, I might.... I don't know. Have a panic attack or something. Have a crying fit in the bathroom. I don't know. First I worried no-one would show up, like maybe they all had the day wrong. Then I worried that I had the date wrong. Then I worried that we'd get there late and forfeit our reservation. Well, none of these things happened. There were actually MORE people there than I anticipated, and even though only a few (three) of us were drinking, and only a few (three) of us continued the party after dinner, I had a great time. Being purposely vague because I don't want to talk about people who don't want to be talked about.
...she says in one breath, and in the next she starts to talk about them. :)
An interesting question was raised over dinner on Saturday. See, half the people at the table were over 30, while the other half were sneaking up on it pretty fast. I don't remember how it came up, but someone asked "what did you want to do before you were 30?" and the question went around the table. One person said they'd wanted to go back to school, and they'd done that, so they were happy. I said I wanted to own a house by the time I hit the big 3-0, and I realized it probably wasn't going to happen. Did this mean I was less successful than I'd expected to be?
Well... yes and no. In my teens, any ideas I had about success were related to "coolness", not to money. Getting married, having kids, owning a house... these weren't things I considered important. I just wanted a cool job and lots of money. Once I had that, I could change my goals.
Well, of course, priorities change fast when you get out into the real world. I found the cool, high-paying job, and I didn't like it. I met a guy who was working on a Masters degree, and all his friends were working on high-level degrees too. ALL his friends had some sort of extra education. Except me.
It didn't bother him at all, because I think deep down, if we'd stayed together, he'd expected me to be a stay-at-home mom like his own, perfecting the art of dishwashing, making hot lunches for the kids. But it really bothered me, because I couldn't see myself as equal to him or his friends without an education. Which is stupid, really, isn't it? Education isn't a gauge of intelligence. You can be brilliant with a 5th grade education, and you can be a moron with a PhD. But as far as class structure goes.... in this day and age, to get ahead in life, it seems like having a degree is almost a requirement. Why? I don't know. What is a degree supposed to prove? What does it prove? These friends of his, with their doctorates and whatnot... they might have lots of letters after their names, but they didn't know much about "real life", as my mom would say.
I don't know how much I'm learning in university. I went through my academic summary today, and it seems like the only thing I've really learned how to do is get better grades. My first year at UVIC, I got all B's. Second year, B+, A-. Third year, A-, A. This year, all A. All I've done is adapt my style to fit the school's criteria. Will this help me get a job? Probably not. Will it make me a better person? Definitely not.
Do I need those letters after my name in order to reach my goals? Yes. Yes I do. I'm not saying everybody does, because I know lots of people who get along fine without a degree. But for me, if I want a house, a new car, kids, vacations... a "normal" life, the life I wanted when I was a kid and my mom worked at Kmart... then yes, I do need those letters. But why? Because society says so? Because there's too much information in the world today, and public schools don't have time to teach kids everything? It used to be a degree would set you apart from the others. Now, the degree makes you blend in. Blah.
But I digress. The question was "what did you want to do by the time you were 30?" Seeing as how I'm 28 now, I'm in the strange position of still *possibly* being able to achieve my goals, and also seeing how far away they truly are. What I really want before I'm 30? I want to be pregnant. I want to have a kid. But I know I can't do that, at the very least, until I'm done school. And then I have to think about maternity leave. And living arrangements. We can't have a baby in this apartment, our neighbours would complain about the noise. We can't afford a house. Do we stay here or go to Sweden? If we go to Sweden, do I qualify for maternity leave? How does it all work? And can I get it all sorted in 24 months, in addition to getting pregnant, taking the proper vitamins, reading all the books, etc etc... it's probably not going to happen.
When I was 18, all I wanted by the time I was 30 was... well, I'd wanted to make a name for myself. I'd wanted to meet important people, make them like me, and become important myself. But the word "important" is a bit vague, a bit abstract, a bit arbitrary. Who would decide if I was important or not, you know? It was an unattainable goal because it wasn't concrete. So I have to give up on it. Being important doesn't matter as much, these days, as being comfortable. And healthy.