Malaise

What day of the week is it? Thursday? It's Thursday, right?
Henrik nods and says mmmhhhmm, so I guess that means yes. The Canucks are playing, which also lends credibility to the idea that it is, in fact, Thursday. So we're going to say it's Thursday, even if it actually isn't... oh, and Lost was on last night, which means yesterday was Wednesday. Okay. I truly believe it's Thursday now.
See, I'm having trouble keeping the days straight, because I've barely left the house in a week. This is what happens when I have "time off": I stay indoors, sometimes not even getting dressed (like today, I'm still in pj's (although a different pair than the ones I wore to bed last night... "day pj's", if you will...) and have no plans to leave. I tried convincing Henrik to check the mail for me, but no dice. So, putting the shame of being in pj's at 5pm aside, I went and checked the mail. And of course, there wasn't anything in our box.
Yesterday I went out for a little while... I drove Henrik to work, and we stopped at Starbucks for cappucinos. Then I came home, got (properly) dressed, did my hair, etc etc. Then I went up to the Uni for a minute, got a new sticker for my student card. Then... well, then I went home. I had so many plans for my "big day out", too. I was going to buy some new lipstick (a nice dark pink, like Blair Waldorf...), maybe a new brow liner, maybe get my hair done, and most likely hit the fabric store. But after going to school, I got... I don't know. Not anxious, necessarily, but... just... not in the mood. I didn't want to do anything except go home. I thought "what's the point of buying makeup when you never leave the house?" "what's the point of looking at things in a store when you can look at them online?" and so on.
Then on the radio they were talking about the big cruise ships at Ogden Point, and I thought, "okay. Let's go see the ships." Not that this is anything I'm really interested in... I live close to Ogden Point, I see cruise ships all the time. It's just boats. But hey, the biggest ships EVER to Ogden Point? That's kind of exciting. So I drove towards the ocean. But then, a few blocks from my house, I got... I don't want to say nervous, but I didn't want to go anymore. I worried about traffic along Dallas Road. I worried about hitting one of those horse-drawn carriages. I worried about thousands of Americans milling about. So, at the very last second, I turned and headed home instead.
Then when I got home, I had nothing to do. This past week, I've spent more and more time each day reading. Just reading. Mostly blogs, the type that get updated every few minutes with inane stories. And every hour I spent reading these blogs was an hour of productive time that I lost. And I KNEW that, but I kept reading, kept hitting "refresh", hoping against hope that some story would spark my creativity and I'd start writing. Needless to say, that didn't happen. I did see lots of pictures of Rihanna in a black suit, though.
I'm just... blah. My mom once told me that every day, you should do something, at least ONE THING that makes you feel like you've accomplished something. Every day, you should have some sort of project. Even if it's something small like doing laundry or cooking dinner, every day you should be able to say you DID something. Today? I feel like I've done nothing. I've done stuff: I've cleaned, I've done laundry, I've looked online for a new apartment (Henrik got a raise! woohoo!). But it still feels like even though I've done stuff, I haven't ACCOMPLISHED anything.
It's like working out. I work out 3 or 4 times a week, either at the gym or at home. I've been doing this for a few months now. But... well... it seems no matter how hard I work, no matter how many calories I burn, I never see results. I measured myself the other day, and I'm the exact same size I was a year ago. On the one hand, I'm glad I haven't gotten bigger, considering I spent the winter in a semi-vegetative state. But on the other, I haven't lost any bulk either. I'm dieting now as well, and I've been doing that for about two weeks... and yeah, you guessed it, no results from that either. I don't understand it. It seems the only way I ever lose weight is through illness. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I had a kidney removed. The time before that, I caught a horrible horrible flu. In between, I ate right, went to the gym, counted calories, tried to take care of myself. But no matter what I did, the most I could hope for was to maintain. I just can't seem to lose weight without illness or major surgery.
Maybe that's what this blog should be about. Maybe if I force myself to write about it, it'll actually start happening.
No... everyone and their pet has a weight loss blog. And anyways, mine would be a total disappointment.
I've been getting more and more depressed these days, and when I get depressed, I always focus on things like weight. I, personally, don't mind my body. And neither does Henrik. I can buy (or make) nice clothes, I can do my hair, etc. I can be pretty when I want to be. But when I get depressed, I worry about what OTHER people think of me. My depression always comes back to this feeling that I'm being judged, not by any one particular person, but by society as a whole. I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm too poor, I'm not talented, no-one likes me, I'll never do anything with my life. The question "too fat for what?" or whatever never comes up... that's not the point. The point is, when I'm depressed, it's because I don't live up to some sort of self-imposed bar that I've set. Has weight ever stopped a writer from expressing themselves? No. Has age ever stopped someone from buying lipstick? Probably not. Has talent ever stopped someone from watching a ship dock? I doubt it.
So I should focus on the positive. Okay, by society's standards I'm "fat." What can I do about it? Diet and exercise. Check. What else?
Learn to sew. I'm kind of excited for tomorrow, because Butterick patterns go on sale at Fabricland, and Butterick has some AWESOME historical patterns... 50's-era retro party dresses, Victorian bustle skirts, corsets... yeah :) I'm not quite down with their "contemporary" patterns, but the historical stuff is really good, and I'm glad they've re-released some of those old patterns. Same with Simplicity, whose patterns go on sale at Fabricland NEXT week... and they have a pattern for the exact dress I want to make for Sever and Tansy's wedding. Tansy says it should be purple, so therefore it will be. To go with that Blair Waldorf lipstick I will eventually go to the store and buy.
Writing and sewing are the only things I'm really excited about these days. I love the idea of making my own clothes, wearing what I actually want to wear instead of whatever I can find in my size. I love the idea of having complete control over my own image. I have so many ideas, especially for dresses, in my head, and I want to GET THEM OUT, but I'm not skilled enough (yet) to draft my own patterns. Hopefully after I've made a few more pieces, I'll get the hang of things. So far, my only really successful (meaning wearable) pieces have been two black dresses that I made with the same pattern, but one I modified so it was a bit less "casual". I've tried making a few skirts, but none of them have really turned out. Soon, though: soon I'll be making my own clothes, my own jackets, my own... hopefully everything. Except sweaters. I'll still buy sweaters.
The worst thing about being depressed is seeing how it affects other people. Poor Henrik, every time I'm sad he thinks it's his fault and tries to make me better. He does silly little dances, or he kisses me all over my face, or he makes up a song. It's very cute, and it makes me love him a bit more every time he does it, but sometimes I just don't want to smile, you know? And then I feel bad because I know he's trying to make me smile, and then I'm letting him down, and then... the cycle continues. I know he's been through it too... I've spent the past few years, while HE was stuck in the house, trying to keep him in good spirits. Maybe on some level, he feels like he's returning the favour. Maybe that's the problem... I'm so bored these days, my boredom has turned into malaise.
Well, soon it will be done. Next week I'm back to school, and then I've got to find myself a full-time job. Once I'm working, I won't be so bored. And I'll have more money, which means I'll be able to do more stuff. Not that I WILL do more stuff... but at least the option will be there. And in the meantime, like I say, Butterick patterns go on sale tomorrow, so I'll have something to occupy my time until Monday.