Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick

I'm trying to write this stupid piece for stupid writing class. No no, class is not stupid. But my idea for this piece, perhaps, is. So I thought "okay, I can't just write this thing, my ideas are too jumbled." So I made a graph. I did a brainstorming session, with the little work-bubbles and all that, like we used to do in elementary school. I've only done that one other time since starting University, for a short story about Nanaimo. It was a bad story. Some of you have read it. Anyways, I did it for this piece, which means my mind's going in all directions, and I have no idea where to begin. So I thought maybe if I wrote them down here, they'd fall into order. Hopefully this will work.
So here's the idea. I can't stand heavy metal. No, really. It drives me crazy, and it always has. I just don't get it. But, you know, my luck, I married a metal fan. He likes to play it loud. He likes to watch metal videos on Youtube. He doesn't think it's funny when a guy dresses up head-to-toe in studded leather and paints his face to look like Skeletor. My husband seriously thinks that's cool. So, because I'm a good wife, I've tried to deal with it: I've listened to metal in the car (but only when he's driving), I've gone to some shows with him, I even brought metal into the bedroom for a while. I even, one year for Halloween, did corpse paint on hubby's face. But... I still... I just don't get it.
Here's what I don't get: guys talk about these dudes in metal bands, they talk about the "hard core" things they've done, like MURDER, like BURNING DOWN ANCIENT CHURCHES, like DRINKING BLOOD, like CUTTING THEMSELVES ON STAGE, like kicking the shit out of fans for no reason, like turning into f'ing berzerkers, like all these things are COOL. Like "wow, dude, that's so hardcore." What's the appeal in that? Is it a macho thing?
That's my theory - heavy metal is popular because it's macho. Metal is all a big dick-slapping competition.
How? Well, one, all the violence. Two, what are most metal songs about? War - whether about mythology, history, Nazis, the government, or anything else, most metal songs are about fighting. Not "rise above", but "I'm going to cover myself in your blood."
Two, who are the most respected names in metal? The ones with the most technical skill, be it nimble fingers on the guitar, an extremely fast drum beat, or a voice that can wail & growl with equal intensity. It's not about fluid creativity, or even originality. It's about who can play the hardest and fastest.
And that's why you don't see many women in metal. Most of us can't play as hard or fast as the guys. And when we CAN, like Lita Ford, we have to be sexed-up. We have to be turned into objects. Men get respect, women get objectified. Because metal is a macho dick-slapping competition.
What's the most important part of a metalhead's outfit? The tshirt. Why? It's like a dick. The more violent and obscure the tshirt, the bigger the dick.
But back to me. I don't like metal because:
1) I can't relate to the lyrics. I'm a writing student, lyrics are very important to me.
2) Not to mention, I can't understand what anyone's saying with all that growling and screeching.
3) Go to any metal show, and you'll see, the ratio of men to women is 10 to 1. I went to this one show a few months ago with some friends. We were the only table with more women than men. I think I counted maybe 20 chicks, and the place was full to capacity. (I'm not counting the wait staff who were, of course, all female)
4) Technical skill doesn't impress me as much as creativity. In the bedroom or otherwise.
YES! That's what it is! The essay isn't about heavy metal, it's about sex. It's about sex, gender, the differences between men and women. And the spark was my dislike of metal.
I wanted to write this essay to understand my husband a little better, so last night I kinda sort interviewed him while I was washing dishes (and he was playing Warcraft). Here's what I remember:
The difference between death metal and black metal is that in death metal they growl, while in black metal they screech. Cradle of Filth (one of the only metal bands I can stand) is black metal.
First metal album that struck him: "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden. Also, he thinks, probably the first metal album he bought. And also possibly the BEST one he ever bought. (So I have to listen to that this weekend, I guess.)
What are metal songs about? Mythology, demons, war, etc. Depending on the type of metal and where the band comes from.
Metal helps him release agression without breaking stuff.

Then I cooked dinner and we watched LOST. Sawyer and the doctor lady are a couple? WTF?

I've read a couple books on metal now - one a sociology book about "tshirt culture" where one of the interview subjects, wearing a Slayer tshirt, claims "everyone knows this stuff is fake, it's all just image, you know?" But DO they? Because one guy really did go to prison for murder, and another one really did burn down some ancient churches. They went to prison. But their fans still think it's cool.
Maybe it's, like, "yeah they're totally hard core, they're not faking it for money or fame, they're the real deal." If they do it, other people don't have to. It could also be, like, male posturing. "I'm more of a man than you because I killed someone." I don't know.
Hokay. Those are my thoughts. Now I have to try and write this essay.